Pieces of Me.

I can’t promise any of that for this post. I can’t even promise that this will make any sense. I need to rant and rave and type and get this all out of me before I explode.

I can’t study in a group anymore. They freak the hell out of me when they start asking each other questions. The more they talk the more they make me realize how much I don’t know. I know I am behind them in outlining and studying but they make me feel like I have no idea wtf they are talking about. I know I do. I am familiar with everything but I just feel like I have not grasped any concept. I am so freakishly screwed. I think Iat this poingt I would have to read all 920 pages again to actually know enough to get better than a C. I said this last semester with contracts and ended up doing better in that class than my other two. I have no idea how. That makes it worse. I actually did pretty well last semester. A-, B, and B+. More than happy with myself. Which means if I do worse I will feel like that much more of a failure.

I know I can do it. Doesn’t mean im any less petrified. I should be studying right now instead of blogging but I cant bring myself to look at another page. 9-5 in the library every day and once that switch is off when iget home I just cant do it anymore. My eyes are actually bleary. And I didn’t even accomplish as much as I eneded today. If I don’t finish my outline tomorrow I am majorly fucked. And the chances of me finishing tomorrow are slim. Unless I can get my ass up at like 7 am and get to the library at 8. Then I can work for 2 hours before my profs review session from 10-12. Then I can do work from 12-4 because of course my ‘rents decided to go DTS again so I have to go feed gram at 430. Wish I didn’t have to or I could have stayed at the library till 530, and just grabbed dinner on the way to babysitting at 630. Why on earth I decided to babysit is beyond me. Thought it was a good idea at the time cuz I would make a few bucks and get my mind off the studies. It probably is a good idea. Ill be done by 830 probably and I can come home and still get aanouther few hours in. would really have been no big deal but I promised to babysit for my cousin sat morning / afternoon. Giving up both of those chunks of time was more than I thought and now im freaking. I’ll have to go to the lib and be productive sat night instead. My parents will be at a party anyway.

I don’t remember being this overwhelmed last semester. I don’t know how I could go from being calm and collected two days ago and today feeling like I have no idea how the hell I am going to do this today. No wonder my parents went away till saturady. I’m pretty sure they don’t want to be in the same room as me. I don’t think anyone (who isn’t in law school) does. Stress doesn’t make me friendly. It makes me moody. Not moody. Irritable. And knowing that I am acting like a total bitch to the people who are trying to support me the most makes me more bitchy.

Feeling abandoned doesn’t help. I know I spend all day at the library, and will every day for the next 2 weeks. But coming home to an empty house doesn’t help. I will have no contact with my family for the next 3 days. My parents left right after dinner tonight. My brother is working all night so I wont see him. When I get up in the morning and leave he will be sleeping. I will see my gram tomorrow but right now I just resent her because of the fact that I have to fit feeding her into my schedule because my parents left. Admitting to resenting my 82 year old ailing grandmother is probably the worst thing I could ever say in my entire life but I don’t even care. Its how I feel.

I am babysitting Friday night for a few hours, will come home, study, go to bed, wake up Saturday morning, babysit for my cousins, come home, my parents will be home by then, have something to eat and then probably going back to the library or studying home. Alone. Because my parents have a stupid party to go to.

I don’t know how or if iwill make the next two weeks. my nerves are shot and my first final is still 6 days away.

It doesn’t help that my skin is horrible because between me, Christine and laurie we consume about a bag and a half of candy a day sitting in the library. Maybe that’s why I feel like shit. Sugar high and crash? Makes sense. Can’t exactly give the sugar up though, somethings gotta get us through that slump around 2 oclock. Although I we did start the candy around 1045 this morning. To boot I probably wont sleep tonight since I drank rockstar this afternoon and I never sleep when I drink rockstar. I don’t even know if that makes sense because there is no way drinking it at 3pm would still be affecting me at 11 or midnight. Who knows.

And I swear to god if I hear another undergraduate facebook status complaining about papers and finals I am going to flip a shit. I don’t care that you have a lot of shit to do. Guess what, graduation is cool but it doesn’t get any freaking easier. Either you go back to school and your workload is 10x heavier. Or you have to get a job. And guess what. There’s no summer break in the real world. That’s if you even FIND a job. Cuz guess what. The economy sucks. I have so many unemployed friends. Most of which have 50-150K of debt. (yes, that’s what we got for going to the fancy private college. Shit, it wasn’t even fancy.)

Not that I’m any better. Getting on my practically anonymous blog and bitching and moaning to anyone reading. Hell, I complain on my own facebook status. I complain about other people complaining. It’s the slightly elitist law school mentality. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be a bitch. I just am. I cant help it. Strike that. I enjoy being a bitch but not like this. I like being a bitch when the behavior is warranted. This isn’t warranted. This is just a freak out.

I can’t wait to get back to being myself again.