friends with benefit.

i remember that we were eating dinner when the telephone rang. my mother answered. it was my grandmother. my aunt had breast cancer. my best accounting puts this at about 10-12 years ago, seeing as my grandmother is gone 8 years already. it was, luckily, our first real encounter with a close friend or relative being diagnosed with the disease. but still, it was distant for us. or at least it was for me. i was young enough that my mother felt the need and desire to shelter me from the gory details. i remember visiting with my aunt once after a surgery. she hadn't even lost her hair yet. i'm sure my mother visited more frequently, and it i'm sure it was undoubtedly difficult for her to see her sister sick. but for all intents and purposes in my life, my aunt seemed better and like herself again by the next set of holidays when we were all together. our family's first encounter with cancer, and we came out rather unscathed. (and although my mom does not have a relationship with her sister anymore, we do know that she is recovered and healthy, a good outcome all around.)

i skated through the next several years seeing cancer at a distance, despite the significantly increasing rate of diagnoses. hearing about it -- friends of friends, grandparents of classmates, etc. never anyone close to me. and i was thankful for that. so, so, so, thankful.

then, i was sitting at my desk at work one afternoon two summers ago, chatting with my best friend shannon on AIM. she had just graduated college. we were making plans for the summer, dreaming about all of our grand adventures to come. she had to tell me something, she said. her mom, who had become like my own family, found something in her mammography. we weren't supposed to worry. we had strict orders. 'don't worry about it. it'll be fine. it's nothing."

and it wasn't. and i suddenly went from being a person with relatively no knowledge (beyond the basics) of cancer and treatments to a 21 year old desperately trying to console her best friend. attempting to figure out what the hell i was supposed to say to her to not make her feel like the world was falling out from under her. i let her cry. i made stupid jokes. i brought margarita cake to her house and sat with her and her little sister and brother and cousins while grandma and aunt pat were at the hospital during the surgery. the next few months were easier. it's funny how you just sort of adapt to the obstacles around you. Mary's wig, a source of initial apprehension on her part, became a fun accessory for us all. my point is this: it wasn't easy. i can't imagine if it were my own mother. and i'm not saying it was anywhere as difficult for me as it were for shannon and her mother and siblings. but i was there for my friend and her family. and i truly learned what it was like to be there in that supportive context, and see the toll that this disease has on people.

but yet when lauren called me in hysterics friday night, confirming that HER mother's testing had come back as cancerous, i again, had no words. it's not any easier. there aren't any better words to tell her than there were when i comforted shannon. so i let her cry. i told a stupid joke, and i offered to drive to connecticut to spend the night with her. it sucks just as much the second time around. hopefully, i'm a little better equipped this time around.

hey there sunshine.

i know i know, it's been 4 whole days since i finished my final and i haven't blogged yet! it's been 4 lonnnnnnnnnnng but fun days! i got done with my last final wednesday evening, and came home to ms.harleygirl who we are pup-sitting until this evening while my brother is in Cabo. i love having her here. even though she desperately wants to sleep in my bed and i won't let her, she lurvesssss to snuggle at my feet on the couch and is such a happy, loveable dog. i finally got to see my matthew, who was a total saint during finals and didn't get too upset that i couldn't spend much time with him. last night we went to medieval times with a few of his friends and it was so nice to just hang out and spend time together without school hanging over my head.

i spent friday and last night at my other brother's house because they are coincidentally ALSO away for the weekend for a weekend watching those dogs. it was kind of crazy but fun at the same time.

exams went fine. i'm very comfortable with how 2 of 4 went. mildly comfortable with 1, and totally freaked out about the other. although i realize there is nothing i can do at this point and EVERYONE felt the same way, so hopefully will all work out.

as for me, the next two weeks before interning will be filled with lots of sleep, loafing, and fun projects and outings! oh, and BLOGGING!

sorry for...

lack of updates.

that doesn't mean things aren't going on... oh, they are.

but during finals i just dont blog, go on facebook, or the internet much at all with the exception of twitter or a few other 'fun' sites during much needed study breaks.

2 exams down --2 to go. my first two were, well, one was fine. i was happy with it when i left. yesterday's, another story. lets just say i cried myself to sleep last night and listened to Mase's "Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go" on repeat for about an hour this morning while studying.

ahhh another few days and i can get back to my life! YAY!

until then...