i had 3/4 of a post about my feelings and thoughts about being in a relationship (since it is relatively new to me) all typed out. but since i'm 97% sure my boyfriend is breaking up with me, i'm going to go trash that one. (i say only 97% sure because he needs time to "think us over" and see how he feels)
because really, this weekend wasn't going to be emotionally debilitating to begin with, ya know, with putting my grandmother in a nursing home, my brother having surgery, trying to make a school deadline, and trying to continue making a good impression at work. clearly, i needed something else on my mind as well.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
one hundred
I opened my blogger dashboard to write a new post and realized that it would be my one hundredth post. i've been doing this since last april, and a lot has changed in those last 14 months. instead of just having finished the first part of law school, and realizing it was going to be a long road, i am feeling SO ready and SO excited to start my last year in the fall. instead of being only able to focus on just making it through i am starting to think about my actual future. jobs and plans and all of the aspects of my life that are so close in the future.
my brother and his wife will be welcoming the new baby to our family before we know it. my first niece or nephew, my parent's first grandchild. our family is bursting at the seams with love over this baby and s/he hasn't even arrived yet. a year ago my family was wishing a baby would be on the way. this year, s/he IS on the way.
and as we celebrate life we also celebrate loss. my grandmother is rapidly declining. as i think about a year ago, the evenings i brought her supper or a coffee and muffin, and how she would tell me her story. our stories. i was frustrated then. i was sad then. but i appreciated her then. i loved her then. and i love her now. she can't tell me stories anymore. but in this year i've learned about her. i learned to soak it all in. i took pictures. i wrote memories down.
a year ago august, one of my best friends moved away. 'moved' in the 'need-to-go-to-treatment-and-get-the-proper-help-for-my-problems' kind of way. i miss her. i haven't spoken to her. no cards, no letters, no phonecalls. i'd like to. i've written the cards, the letters. but we aren't allowed. no contact with non immediate family for one year. and in august i will send them. but i will have so much to add about my life in an entire year.
in a year i've changed. i've learned about myself. i'm a lot stronger than i thought i ever could be. i'm smarter than i thought i was. i'm also much more naive. much more scared. i'm happier but also more sad. i've developed closer friendships with some and drifted from others. but ultimately, i'm exactly where i should be.
my brother and his wife will be welcoming the new baby to our family before we know it. my first niece or nephew, my parent's first grandchild. our family is bursting at the seams with love over this baby and s/he hasn't even arrived yet. a year ago my family was wishing a baby would be on the way. this year, s/he IS on the way.
and as we celebrate life we also celebrate loss. my grandmother is rapidly declining. as i think about a year ago, the evenings i brought her supper or a coffee and muffin, and how she would tell me her story. our stories. i was frustrated then. i was sad then. but i appreciated her then. i loved her then. and i love her now. she can't tell me stories anymore. but in this year i've learned about her. i learned to soak it all in. i took pictures. i wrote memories down.
a year ago august, one of my best friends moved away. 'moved' in the 'need-to-go-to-treatment-and-get-the-proper-help-for-my-problems' kind of way. i miss her. i haven't spoken to her. no cards, no letters, no phonecalls. i'd like to. i've written the cards, the letters. but we aren't allowed. no contact with non immediate family for one year. and in august i will send them. but i will have so much to add about my life in an entire year.
in a year i've changed. i've learned about myself. i'm a lot stronger than i thought i ever could be. i'm smarter than i thought i was. i'm also much more naive. much more scared. i'm happier but also more sad. i've developed closer friendships with some and drifted from others. but ultimately, i'm exactly where i should be.
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