"Lights will guide you home"

Two weeks ago i learned best friend A had relapsed in her fight with alcoholism. Two days later i learned that she followed a bottle of vodka with some prescription meds. when she called another friend rambling and mumbling nonsense, they checked on her and when confronted, she drank drain cleaner, and long story short, has been in county inpatient rehab since.
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One week ago, i got a letter. that she loved me, and missed me. and that she knows our friendship is strong and meaningful to her. and that she was looking into long term rehab facilities out of the area.
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Tonight, i said goodbye to one of my best friends. to a person i've known since i was 5 years old. to a person that, i may not have always been best friends with, but a person that i don't ever remember her NOT being a part of my life. tomorrow she leaves for new mexico. for two years. to live in a community for people with addiction and other problems. to turn their lives around. she isn't allowed to have any communication for a month. then, slowly, she will earn back the right to receive letters, write back, and eventually make phone calls to us. but, we will not hear from her at all for a minimum of three months. i will not see her for two years. it is a 2 year commitment. a no if-ands-or-buts about it commitment. apparently she will be permitted to have visitors eventually, but i have no idea how feasible making that trip will actually be. there is a very good possibility i will actually not see her for the two years.

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unfortunately, after the events of the last two years, i've come to relatively expect the relapses. well not so much expect it, but not be quite as surprised when you get the phone call. the "we found bottles hidden in her bedroom" call. or the "we found her passed out" call. or the "she's back in rehab" call.

but this i couldn't have expected. i knew that she needed a significantly long term, inpatient rehab program. but i never anticipated her not being HERE. and her not being here for that long. knowing she is almost two thousand miles away. that i can't just go to visiting hours. that she is going to be living a minimalist life until she 'earns' back the privileges that we take for granted.

i know this is going to be good for her. she is not being forced. she knows that she needs a lot of help and i truly and honestly hope that this will be good for her. she knows that the first few months are going to suck. but that it is what she needs to turn her life around.

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but i am also scared. scared of what it's going to be like without her around. scared for her. that her life is going to be terrible there and she will hate it. that something will go wrong. that it won't work.

i'm scared because i know how different life is going to be when she gets back. two years is a long time. not in the grand scheme of life. but right now, at this point in our 23 year old lives, 2 years is a long time. two years from now i will be done with school. i will have passed the bar. (hopefully!) i will be a practicing attorney. in two years renee will probably be getting married or close to it. and she will be a step closer to being a vet. if krys's life goes as planned, she will have a year of grad school under her belt. our lives are really going to be very different in two years than they are now. she is going to miss all of that. she is going to miss a lot of big events in our lives. and i'm (we) going to miss having her around for all of those events. and we are going to miss this transformation in her life. we won't be able to be there for her during this time. when it's hard. when she struggles. when she succeeds.

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but we said our goodbyes. not goodbye but not quite see you later. we held it together, suprisingly enough. although i'm fairly certain that we each broke down our respective cars when we pulled away. i know i did. it's a temporary situation. but that doesn't make it easier. it's not going away to college or studying abroad for a semester. its going to a ranch in new mexico. for a life change. without communication. without each other. it's unknown.

i know we are going to be fine. it will be different. but we are strong, intelligent, and capable young adults. we'll adjust. we'll make it. but for now, we're just going to miss our friend.

"Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind"

tomorrow commences 2L year. and right now i have about a million different emotions. i'm excited. because i'm a nerd and school kind of makes me happy and interested. i'm also scared. not because i don't know what to expect, like last year this time, but because i know the pressure is on. if i hadn't done so terribly last semester, i am certain i would feel completely different. it's just that because of my pathetic GPA, i really, really need to do fantastic this semester. and that whole concept freaks me out. because of the what-ifs of not doing well. but i'm not focusing on that. i'm not. im nervous because of it, and i can't stop that because i'm a worrier by nature. BUT i can stop myself from freaking out about it 20 hours a day. im just going to allow myself to be the normal level of nervous about all of those what-ifs. i'm also a little nervous over how the first day will go. what my professors will be like, if i will get put on the spot for the reading. but that is normal first day jitters.

and in a relatively big way, i don't give a fuck. enough people have told me that it gets "so much easier" that i really don't have much of a reason to. i've done this all already. i know how it goes. you go. you sit. you listen. you take notes. sometimes you get called on. sometimes you're right. sometimes you're not. sometimes you look like an ass. but the day goes on. and i'm going to graduate all the same.

i also can't fathom that i am am actually starting my SECOND year. that my friends and i won't be the green little newbies this fall. i'm not some person trying to just figure this whole law school business out (okay, i'm still trying to figure a lot out!), but for the most part, i know the ins and outs. i'm comfortable.

so tomorrow begins the daily grind. the reading and the studying and the late tired nights and the missing my non school friends. but like everyone said, maybe this year WILL be easier. i guess we'll have to wait and see.

Extreme Home Makeover: Vicki's Bedroom Edition

So I had before pictures somewhere, but now I can't find them on my hard drive. Let's just say it was entirely painted gray. and my brother C had the front half where my bed is, and J had the back half where my desk is. And there was loads of junk everywhere. haha.

I made it awesome, thankyouverymuch. well, unless you don't like pink, then i guess you'll think it looks ridiculous. but me, i LOVE it. it is exactly what i had in my mind and that what matters is that i'm happy with it :)

the only thing left to do is have our electrician come and install some lighting above my desk and repair the fixture in the middle of the study room. the large globe light in front of the bookcase will be gone. i am seriously so happy about all of this i could cry. i just have to find a really good way to thank my parents for putting in so much work painting and cleaning and then buying me a new bed (which i kinda needed anyway since my old one was the same twin i had been sleeping in for 20 years!) and my desk. they are so friggin good to me and i am really grateful for that. luckily, i am pretty sure they know it ;)

Population 8

Promotional Card made for the show.
I didn't make it. I don't own this.
It's gorgeous, but i have no rights to it :)

Yesterday I had the pleasure to venture into SoHo (NYC) to see a play, Population 8, written by SGP's very own Nicholas Gray. Not that I was surprised, but the show was great. Brilliant, funny, and meaningful.

The premise of the story is the lives of the people left living in Loki, North Dakota. At the start, you learn that one of the residents, Jacob, has gone missing, and the population is now down to 8. The characters are incredible. There's Ugly, former lover to Jacob, who tells it like it is. And Sylvie, the town matriarch, who is constantly talking to whom the audience (or at least I) assume is her former husband, Leo, since deceased. Then there is Ruth, dedicated Loki resident, who refuses to accept the idea of anyone leaving Loki, and her children Pepper, whose voice is "like Christmas morning" according to McCoy, which is a perfect description of her personality. And her son Frankie, who runs the town radio show and reads letters from the past on air. Frankie was a really fun character. exuberant. and i'll admit that i didn't really like him when first introduced. his level of enthusiasm was a bit irritating at first. but then he really grew on me and i thought he was one of the most hyserical characters. McCoy is deaf. not that it mattered, he had enough heart and charisma for the entire city. His dad is Cree and to me seemed to be a bit of the voice of reason in Loki. Lastly is Man, who has hooked up with Ugly in Jacob's absence. I didn't care very much for Man. i must have completely missed it, but it didn't seem like he added much, other than a physical sexual replacement for Ugly. it was obvious he cared for her, but to her it was just a fling, although i did appreciate the ending when she allowed herself to have feelings for him and they become an actual couple. Jesse, Peppers lover turned baby daddy turned husband also enters Loki.

I could go on and on about the details of the characters, the town, everything. the play was seriously rich in details. and humor. the theater was also really small, so you really got such an intimate feeling. you could practically pinpoint who was laughing and reacting. it was really nice.

the story was full of emotion. i especially felt this with McCoy's story. Cree wanted him to get surgery, an implant, so that he would be able to hear. but McCoy wanted no part of this. Cree went as far as selling their house in Loki, and the church. THey would have to leave Loki altogehter. and he was willing to do this for his son, to give him the incredible "gift" of sound. But McCoy enlightened him, he doesn't need to hear. he hears everything in his own way already. hearing is NOT the same as listening. and McCoy, he's a great listener. i know a little bit about this subject because i've watched documentaries on the hearing impaired and done some research. the emotions McCoy had are so accurate of real people in those situations.

obviously the biggest concept was the abandonment and dwindling of the Loki residents. Nobody wants to accept that Jacob is gone, or that he might have voluntarily left. Ugly even admits that when they were together, Jacob admitted he still felt alone. But if Ugly acknowledges that Jacob left, and he didn't just get hit by a train or something, then it means he left HER. Ugly doesn't want to accept that. no girl does. there is continuous talk and allusion to prior residents leaving, and several suicides. yea, suicide was definitely a rather strong theme. Each of the characters struggle with this. they want to get out, but they dont want to admit it. Well, except Ruth. Ruth doesn't want anyone to leave. i guess Loki is her safety net. they're under the radar. and yes nobody even has any idea where they are but there is safety and comfort in that. but everyone else, they like loki, but they know there is a whole rest of the world out there. and when the residents are forced to leave, or forced to become squatters when the government evicts them (and trust me, i could write a hundred more blogs about how much i can't stand the concept of government / private corporation eviction.) i'm not even going to get into that aspect of the play again. i talked about it in the chat when i got home from the play that night, but i'm afraid if i start now i won't be able to stop. haha.

i had very few criticisms. one was that i never really figured out what happened to jacob. did he leave town for some better place? or did he leave loki and commit suicide somewhere? there was a letter that came to town saying that he had been found in one of the major cities with a mental disorder, and that he was recovering but asking for Loki and Ugly. She went to look for him but he wasn't there. i'm pretty sure that what happened to jacob was left intentionally unclear, but its entirely possible taht i just somehow missed it. but i just tend to like a bit more finality to my stories, and the jacob scenario was a bit too open for me. too much mystery. at one point ugly dreamt of him and was talking about suicide. and another point mccoy read from his journal or diary of some point, again with suicide and some girl (which may or may not have been ugly but i really wasn't sure.) i understand that a play or book or film can't give every single detail of every characters storyline, and i appreciate a bit of mystery. but to me the jacob scenario just seemed like i was given too many of the pieces but was never able to put together the whole puzzle. the same went with the ending as a whole. i felt a bit unfinished. but a lot of that is my own prefrence. i actually just like to see a bit more of what happens. long term. i wanted to know what happens to pepper and jesse and their baby. and if ruth is happy when they leave loki. and if mccoy changes his mind about the implants, and if cree is happy with his decision to sell everything and leave loki. and what happens to ugly and man after she has their baby (cuz she gets knocked up too. ) and if frankie finds a new radio show. i like to know these things. i'm sure plenty of people felt the ending was perfect. it was good, don't get me wrong, but there was far too much for me to ponder. but hey, mayb thats a good thing. maybe that's exactly what Nick wanted.

i will say that the ending was NOT what i expected. i kind of expected the play to start as Loki, with it's population of 8, and therefore it to end with Loki and it's population of 8, maybe even 9. i kind of expected to learn all about these characters and their struggles but for the play to end with them pretty much in their status quo. for them to carry on their relatively happy lives. especially since towards the end, a few residents were already gone, and the ones that were left seemed to be the most satisfied with staying. i really did NOT expect for them to be uprooted. and i really, truly appreciated not anticipating that ending. not to toot my own horn or anything, but generally when i read something or watch a movie (i don't see plays very often that i don't already know the story, i.e. the classics), i usually have figured out how it's going to end about half way through. i still like the story, but i figure things out pretty early. so because this left me with an ending that i didn't expect, i was refreshed. and even though i didn't get all the answers, it did leave me thinking about it, and from minoring in literature, i know that is always a good thing.


so there you have it. my really really long reaction. i know i am missing alot. but i was so so so pleased with the play. Nick is a genius. a few more before i go....

---Pepper sings a few times, and i cracked up when the first song was Champagne Supernova. loved it.
---let's just say i would not want Man, complete with his cigarette, as my gynocologist.
---lots of fun animated and video in the background. really perfect. awesome.
---sylvie was cute. i was sad when she died.

HOPE YOU ENJOYED! i did this in bits and pieces and didn't proofread, so if parts of it doesn't make sense, i'm sorry!

"It's my life, and it's now or never."

i have enough material to write about 35 blog pages about what is going on in my life and my loved ones' lives since i've been home from chicago. but it would be 35 pages of negativity. and depression and angst and upset. and lets just face it, nobody wants to read that. as much as i have used this blog as a venting place and a place for me to say "outloud" the things i can't actually say to my friends and family, i feel like the debbie downer entries need a break. so i'm choosing to ignore that all of these other aspects of my life don't exist right now. partially because i don't want this blog to be all about my fears and complaints, and partially because if i blog about it, then i have to face the fact that they are actually true and happening right now and may just have to deal with it.

(to be brief and to assure anyone who cares that i am in fact okay: my friend A is now in a 4 month minimum rehab program after she relapsed with alcohol and prescription drugs, and topped it off with draino for a good measure suicide attempt, and my parents are not speaking a word to each other after a blowout involving them and my brothers while i was in chicago wherein my brother wants no part of us ever and gave back his house key.)

but instead i am focusing on the positive things going on right now. my bedroom is almost done. my bed, after some miscommunication with sleepys, will be here on monday, and we will be moving my furniture that day as well. we cleaned the rugs and theres just a few minor things to do. i am so excited to actually see my furniture in there. i haven't been able to find a desk that i like. we've checked a few stores but havn't had luck. there are ones that i could live with, but nothign i love. there is one more store we want to try. a desk really shouldn't require this much shopping, but i have some 'qualities ' i really want, like it to be very deep with at least 3 or 4 larger drawers, it seems to be a tall order to fill. my opinion is that i have a huge space to put the desk, big enough that my brother's twin bed used to be in that spot, that i think its silly to buy a small desk when i could fit a large one and i actually NEED the space to spread out and read / outline /study. doesn't sound too hard to find, but since we are trying not to spend a fortune but get a decent quality, i'mnot having much luck. hopefully i will find something at the last store.

i am also still reveling in the amazing time i had in chicago. the entire experience from flying to seeing everything chi-town has to offer, to just being with my girlfriends (plus andrew) again. acting like the silly selves that we were in college. quoting movies. remembering parties. catching up on the things we had lost in each others lives in the past year. soaking up enough memories to last us until the next time we will see each other. which very likely won't be until next summer. but mostly, remembering that the people i parted with last may, and the people i saw just a week ago, are one in the same. sure we've each grown and changed a bit. a new life does that to you, especially the post college life. but ultimately, we fell right back into place as if we had seen each other 3 days prior, not over a year ago. sam is still the smartest scatterbrain i know. the girl who went and bought 3 air mattresses and pillows so we would be comfy. but also the girl who doesn't plan and who is a terrible driver (shhhhhh!!!) karen is still karebear. the girl with the big hugs and who asks "how are you?" and her voice alone shows that she truly wants to know. but isn't the best at taking advice. andrew is still a playboy. always with a backup plan. but the guy who cares so damn much about all of us girls. one of the few guys i know who would spend 5 solid days with 5 women and not once complain or disappear on his own. then again, he did live with 4 of my sorority sisters in our unofficial 'house' for a year of college, so i guess he's used to it. if you couldn't tell, i desperately missed these folks, and really needed to get the quality time with them. and i did! i also got to see another of my friends from college, who was a few years older than me, and knew the rest of my friends, but not very well. So just karen and i went to meet up with her one of the nights and that was really awesome as well.

and lets not forget that i do have some amazing friends at home. shan, who is doing really well and was so happy for me to get away, and krys and renee, who are nothing but supportive in everything i do, and who've both volunteered to help me unpack my bedroom next week. and plus, renee is going to see Population 8 with me next week, so what could be better?!

so that's it. that's me, ignoring the bullshit going on in my life in favor of remembering all of the true blessings that i should count each and every night. and i do.

"wants you to jump in the crowd, spark your lighters, wave 'em around...if you don't know by now, she's talking about CHI-TOWN!"

Chicago in Pictures. Because everyone should see Chicago like this...

Took one of these for the first time...

All to see three very special people...

Samantha

Karen

Andrew

Saw and did all of the "Chicago" things

Like Wrigley FieldAnd Navy Pier

We ate hot dogs at Portillo's

And deep dish pizza at Lou Malnati's
We rode "the El"

Went to the "beach" at Lake Michigan

Walked downtown Evanston
where Northwestern is located (Sam's grad school)

Went to Millenium Park
and saw "the Bean"
and got some kick as photos

Of the Skyline

and the center

and us.

and took this for my friends over at SoGoPro

We saw lots of other great stuff, too. Spent some awesome quality time with people I truly missed. I could not have asked for a better trip. The entire trip was planned for Allie and I to visit Sam since she is there for grad school and we haven't seen each other since graduation a year ago. Bern (Allie's roomie) also knew Sam (through allie) and decided to come with. Then within the last 2 months, things fell into place that Karen and Andrew were moving to Chi as well, each for (different) law schools. Needless to say, the trip ended up as a quasi college reunion. We were all one group in college. All weekend we marveled at the fact that after living together in college, who would have thought that Andrew, Karen, and Sam would end up living together AGAIN after college, in a totally different city than any of them are originally from.

We never actually got a photo of the six of us. And this is the only one I have on my camera of Sam, Allie, Bern, and I.

"Cause I'm leavin on a jet plane"

Tomorrow night this time i will be on my flight to chicago. i'm so excited. i can't wait to see sam and fes and karen and andrew. i can't even imagine the craziness that is going to ensue when we are all together again. i feel like christmas eve. its 10 pm and i am sitting here in my pjs ready to go to bed. because when i wake up it will be THE DAY. only i'm too excited to sleep.

i am also slightly terrified. i've never flown. i know its pretty much the safest thing to do. safer than driving a car, which i do every day without hesitation. but the idea of a giant metal box soaring through the air is just a bit much to absorb. and there is just so much to worry about. not even the big stuff (ie. plane crash) but like what if someone gets sick on the plane. and we have to reroute. or somethng is wrong with our tickets and they give me a hard time. or they loose our luggage. seriously i could go on and on. but i'm not tihkning about that. everytihng will be fine. i cant let anxiety get the best of me. i am packed and ready to go. i am ridiculously overpacked and ready to go.

room recon is going great. its all painted, but now my dad is unsatisfied with the ceiling/wall seam (b/c the wall is pink and ceiling is white), and is insisting on putting crown molding. i really don't care either way, i just feel terrible to make him have to do more work. but he's as much as a perfectionist as i am, so im not surprised he wants it to look the way it should and not all sloppy. my inner perfectionist doesn't mind either ;)

i shall be back monday night, and back to blogging tuesday. the room should be almost done by then, so hopefully i'll be back next week chock full o' stories and pictures. horray!

enjoy your weekends everyone!

"And every day is a start of something beautiful"

the dust has settled. the fog cleared. the past 2 weeks or so have been a whirlwind to say the least. between shannon and constantly doing stuff for my bedroom swap and finishing my internship, and trying to manage the fact that nobody in my family was talking to each other, i felt like i was never coming up for air.
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shan is doing well, all things considered. when i was with her the night of the ER, and afterward, she was handling the entire situation so much better than i would have. but that's her. calm and collected. not showing her heart on her sleeve like me. when i spoke to her the night before and morning of her second bloodwork, which confirmed what we already knew, i could tell she wasn't herself. i think it all 'hit' her. i can't even really explain the kind of emotion that i could hear in her. but later that day, after some tears and talks, it came down to everything happens for a reason. and while i'm sure this is something she is always going to carry with her (even though i'm sure she will never talk about it, because that's her), it's not something she can dwell on, that wouldn't do any good. she's moving on. or at least starting to. i really can't thank everyone who reached out to me and showed concern for both her and i. it is genuinely appreciated from the bottom of my heart.
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my family situation is getting a bit better. i won't say my brothers and dad are talking to each other, per se, but we all co-existed in the same house for an extended period of time and there was actually interaction between those parties. i'd say they are on the mend. probably a slow process. but at least the fact that we were all together, and it wasn't uber uncomfortable (like when my dad would walk out of the room when either of them would walk in) is a step in the right direction. i also know now that my brothers aren't upset with me, which i was really concerned about. i hadn't really talked to either of them because it's different now that neither of them living here and them hesitating to come over because of the entire situation. but over the weekend i spent time with both of them and know that there is nothing wrong between us. like i said. things are going in the right direction and that's all i can ask for.
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i made trip #30294802348 to walmart / target / etc. today for bedroom decor. because obviously i couldn't have bought everything in one trip a month ago, but it was absolutely necessary for me to make 3 trips JUST for curtains. but today i brought my cousin lisa (and Kait) and it was an uber successful trip. she forced me to buy absolutely everything i could want for the room, with the idea that i could return it later. other than like prior to this where i would see something, be indecisive, come home, decide i want it, and then have to go back, buy it, and see something else and the cycle would repeat. but i think i'm at the point now where i've gotten pretty much everything. bedding, curtains, decor type things. i am going to the store again tomorrow with my mom t0 get some better sheets for my new bed, and a blanket, as well as the old sheets, comforter, and blanket that i already bought but then decided i didn't like anymore. we went tonight and picked and purchased my bed, but we will be picking it up on monday after we are done painting. the room should be 80% done by the end of next week i think. and i couldn't be happier. we shall see. it is going to be fabulous. in a sophisticated and mature, but hot pink kind of way!
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all in all, it's a new day, each and everyday. and even when the world is kind of hazy, you have to let the bright beautiful world shine through and remind you.