goodbye 2010.

As my SoGoPro Secret Santa mentioned in the sweet letter she enclosed with my gift, this past year has been one of extremely high highs, and very, very low lows. It couldn’t be more true. Personally, I feel as though this has been the most challenging year of my life – mentally, emotionally, and physically. Honestly, had it not been for Liliana’s birth, I would easily, without a doubt say that this was the worst year of my life. Obviously, I am VERY ready for 2010 to end and 2011 to begin. I’m taking a cue from Megan’s tumblr and reflecting on this past year month by month…

January 2010

An amazing start to the year. First, my grades from the previous semester came back my hard work from trying to battle back from my disappointing prior semester paid off. But by far the best news came on January 10, my brother’s birthday, when we learned that he and his wife were having a baby. Certainly a shock since they had led us to believe they would be waiting at least a few more months before trying. We were THRILLED. But at the same time, we realized how poor my grandma was doing, and realized she needed more help than my dad could provide in his daily visits.

February 2010

I celebrated my birthday with an awesome 80s night out, and was completely overwhelmed when so many of my friends came out to celebrate with me. I had a blast. I started to stress about summer jobs and put out lots of applications. We got gram an aide and she threw her out.

March 2010

I began dating he-who-shall-not-be-named, and was blissfully unaware of how much of an asshole he would become. In reality, he was very sweet in those first few months. Actually, he was sweet until we broke up. We went to dinners and movies, and really got to know each other. I secured my summer fellowship and was so excited to begin. We found a home aide that gram seemed to like and get along with. My brother got hurt at work, leading to what would become 6 months of disability and surgery.

April 2010

I took my first real road trip and went to Virginia with some friends from school for a softball tournament. For the first time, I also went to a formal event, Barristers Ball (Law School Prom), with a guy that I was dating and really, really liked (as opposed to a guy who was just a friend). We both had a great time, and Matt asked me to formally be his girlfriend the next night.

May 2010

I finished the semester strong, and enjoyed some free time away from school before my internship started. We celebrated Memorial Day Weekend down the shore for the first time without my grandmother. It was hard and we cut the weekend short to get home to her. She was rapidly declining and we were becoming unsatisfied with the aide. I continued to get closer with Matt emotionally and physically. I thought I was falling for him, met his dad and step mom, and spent time with many of his friends.

June 2010

I started my internship and immediately loved the people and the organization. I did feel like I was being underutilized a bit as lots of the work was stuff that anyone could do, and didn’t require a law student at all. But by the end of the month I settled in, and liked what I was doing. Gram was really doing poorly and plans began set in motion for moving her to a nursing home. The plans took a few weeks to finalize, and she was moved in the last week of June. That same week, my brother had surgery on his shoulder. Matt and I finally slept together at what I thought was perfect timing for our relationship. He broke up with me, with relatively zero notice, via facebook, 4 days later. I put on my girl panties and swore to myself that I would not let myself get upset over him.

July 2010

I rebounded from what was “hell month” of June. I tried to enjoy the beach and time with friends, and I really did. I also kept super busy with making plans for the baby shower.

August 2010

The first weekend in August I went with my cousins to the Poconos for a Nascar race, which I LOVE. I had a great time with the kids and my cousins and was a nice little break. The following week was craziness in baking 100 cupcakes and organizing gifts and table arrangements and details for the shower, but it was SO fun and the shower was beautiful. I enjoyed my few weekends of freedom before classes and then started my LAST YEAR OF LAWSCHOOL! I also joined the gym with my cousin and started to seriously try to get healthy.

September 2010

Our families waited and waited and waited for Baby K’s arrival. Finally, Liliana made her grand appearance 14 days late, after an induction and emergency C-section. She needed some help from the doctors at first, but she was still absolutely perfect, and we fell instantly in love. The following day, I fell down a few stairs at school and earned myself a trip to the ER, a sprained ankle, and some kick ass crutches. I also went on lots of interviews for jobs for after graduation, but didn’t get a single offer.

October 2010
I kept getting interviews which didn’t turn into job offers. I went to North Carolina Outer Banks for fall break, and learned my best school friend and her hubby are pregnant with baby number 2! We had such an amazing trip and I am so grateful we got to go. After we got back the reality of not having a job set in, and I got very frustrated. I had a rough week or so of feeling sorry for myself but realized how lucky I am in my life.

November 2010

The month started when I met a few friends from college for dinner at a restaurant 40 miles away and ended up seeing Matt. I had seen him prior to that the afternoon of my ankle and the ER. I think the reality of what happened, what he did to me, and how awful it made me feel finally set in. Some talks with best friends made me feel a lot better and realize that it was okay to feel hurt about it, and even to miss him, or at least, miss the fun we DID have together, despite how much of an ass he was in the end. Everything was business as usual by the middle of the month. On the 20^th, our world turned upside down. She was gone, I had a ton of different emotions to work through, and it took me the rest of the month to feel even an ounce of the person I had been. We buried her the day before Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving itself is a blur.

December 2010

I finished the semester and got into the holiday spirit. My brother got a much anticipated transfer to a closer job, and we celebrated Lily’s first Christmas.

I haven't blogged in a while. Early december is always filled with finals and then christmas stuff, that the time just flies by. Add to that losing my gram, and the days and weeks were just gone before i knew it. i want to update about many things. so here goes. i apologize if this post is novella-length. gotta make up for lost time i suppose.

November 20th started like any other day. I had to be up and at school very early, and in full business suit, to help with the program that i TA for and knew i would be there until at least late afernoon. when i got home earlier than expected around 2, it didn't phase me that my parents weren't home. I assumed they had gone to do some christmas shopping. my cousin had texted and i called her back and had a few back and forth quick/odd conversations, which i thought was weird but didn't think anything out of the ordinary. when my parents got home a few hours later, i didn't even think anything was 'up' until i saw a visitor type pass/sticker on my mom's coat, and my dad said that she had passed away. i went immediately numb and had no idea what to think, say or do. i just remember saying 'okay. okay. okay.' and telling myself that she was better off this way. he explained that he and my mom had visited my gram that morning for over an hour. they ate breakfast with her. she was sweet and pleasant. they said she seemed to be very mentally fit that morning. she even asked my dad if she was going to stay at the nursing home forever. (up until then, she had been under teh belief that it was temporary.) he did not lie to her. he told her that, yes, probably she would be there forever, because she needed too much help to live by herself. she simply said, "okay." before they left, my dad told her that he was leaving, and said he would see her soon. again, something that had never occurred before, as usually leaving would upset her and she would beg to be taken with you, so we would kind of sneak out.

my parents made a few quick stops on the way home. about 2 hours later, my aunt called and said that my gram was on her way to the hospital with a heart attack. my parents jumped in teh car to meet at the hospital. when my parents walked into the hospital, she was already gone.

as sick as she was (mentally), her death came as a huge shock, obviously. i am eternally grateful that she went quickly, without pain. she never got to the point where she didn't recognize us or sat in a chair without speaking, etc. most importantly, my parents had a really nice time with her that morning. my dad's last memory and time with his mom was sweet and tender and everything he could have ever asked for.

the services were hard, and the funeral was harder. it is just a big blur. i've said it and i'll say it again. none of us were just mentally prepared to lose her. yes, she's been 'gone' for a while but she was still here and you could see her and everything like that.

in many ways, it was a blessing that she passed before the holidays. i don't want to think of what it would have been like to know she was spending christmas dinner at the home, and us having to go there and have pretend christmas there on another day. and her knowing she had to stay there on those special days that were always spent as a family. simultaneously, there was a hole in our hearts for the holidays, particularly thanksgiving because we had just buried her the day before. luckily, Liliana was the hugest blessing this year, and provided a much needed distraction to focus on. as my dad said, some leave, but others join. we celebrate the lives of both.

lily herself was a big source of pain through my grandmother's passing. they never got to meet. my gram had been told of lily's birth, and had pictures, but the home strongly suggested not bringing newborns there because of potential germs until she was 6 weeks old. we had made arrangements to have lunch with my gram and bring lily to have them meet on the day after thanksgiving. but it never happened. on the night of the wake, when we all went in to "see" gram in the funeral home, my brother and dori brought Lily in so they could 'meet.' lily was sleeping like an angel. it was really, really sad. we actually also put a photo of lily in the casket before my grandma was buried. i know that lily won't have any memory of her "nanny", but we all know she has a special guardian angel.

my friends (and obviously family) were so, so supportive. i had two different groups of friends send flowers. others sent messages on the web and cards. texts messages and phone calls. some came to pay their respects. i am so grateful for absolutely everyone who got me through it.

i had a really rough time for about a week and a half after everything happened. but slowly i got back to myself. the required time i spend on finals was unfortunately very helpful for that.

i still think about her often. i miss her. i carry a good deal of guilt and sadness for not visiting her recently before she passed. i missed her birthday (my family threw her a 'party' at the home) because i was away for fall break. i hadn't seen her since september. i was always 'busy' or something was going on. really i was just scared of going and seeing her in the wrong state of mind. there's also disappointment about her not seeing me graduate, because although i know that she is better now, and not 'suffering', it just really upsets me that she won't be able to know that i did it. it was always the first thing she asked me and said that she hoped god let her be alive to see it. i just wish that it had come true.

we ARE all doing much better. findign comfort in the little things. moving on with our new lives.

next post: the holidays.

Every day

is a little better, a little easier.

i am not going to lie, but until about Tuesday morning when i woke up, i was still not doing well at all, nearly 10 days later. i felt a sadness that i couldn't seem to shake. i was forcing distractions on myself in the form of schoolwork, finals, and Liliana, but when i was left to my own devices, and my own silence, i just couldn't move past everything that had happened. i think part of this was that i WANTED to feel better. i wanted to be at peace with knowing she is better now, she is healed and whole and some better place, with the husband that she has missed for the past 13 years. i watched everyone else return to their normal selves in the days following the funeral but just couldn't. and not being able to rid my mind and heart of all of these emotions was making me that much more frustrated.

i'm not sure what happened. if something clicked or unclicked, but i woke up yesterday morning feeling considerably better. today, i miss her, but i am content. i am moving forward and remembering her instead of mourning her.