sunday night

i haven't been myself for days. i've interviewed with nine judges in the last two months and have gotten seven rejections. i don't have any more interviews scheduled. i'm losing hope. i have NO idea what i'm going to do if i don't get a clerkship. the market for private practice is piss poor (just like the market for every other job), and my law school career has left much to be desired on my resume and transcripts, making the likelihood of getting a private practice job pretty low. plus, i don't have experience in any area outside of family law. i'm losing hope quickly. i know that things happen for a reason and that everything will work out perfectly the way it is supposed to, but it's just very hard, and scary, to be comfortable with that when i had such high hopes of graduating law school and living happily ever after. most of it just comes down to the fact that i didn't do as well in law school as i wanted to and should have, and the huge effect it is having my future. it's just hard to sit and be patient.

added to that is my dismal social life. i am unhappy. there, i said it. i don't go out. i got back from vacation, and was in a great state of mind. i had SO much fun in NC. my group of friends is great. butineverseethem. i don't go out. i went to the haunted hayride last week with shannon and prior to that i hadn't seen her in over a month. i hadn't seen renee in almost the same amount of time. i spend my weekends at home, alone. i don't hang out with my friends from school outside of school because they all have lives -- boyfriends, husbands, children. and that's waht i want. but i can't meet anyone because i don't go out. all i really want is to meet someone and settle down. it's pathetic that it actually comes down to a man, but it's just the point i'm at in my life. i want to be HAPPY, and i know companionship will give me that.

i know i'm just complaining. and i shouldn't because i have SO much going for me. lucky to have an education, friends that do care about me, family, a beautiful niece whom i adore, and a lot of luxuries others don't have. i should just shut my fat mouth.

I don't

have anything good to blog about.

i finished my paper draft, spent the weekend doing a lot of nothing, and just enjoying not doing schoolwork. i actually went to the notre dame v. navy football game on saturday with my dad and saw my school friend, laurie and her hubby and his brother and his brother's friend. they ALL went to notre dame which to me is awesome and makes me feel like a dumbass. haha. laurie and mike had 2 extra tickets and my dad and i went for the hell of it. it was a fun time, especially because ND and Navy football are so rich in tradition. and gotta love how college football actually PLAYS football the whole time - so unlike pro/nfl football where they take a 5 minute commercial break every 3 plays.

saturday night went on a haunted hayride/cornfield walk/etc. it was fun. kind of lame and kind of scary but something fun to do.

snuggled up my liliana on sunday, and spent some time with the cousins.


other than being busy but fun busy, things are good. i've had a very stressful/emotional few weeks and i loved having the weekend 'off' to just enjoy.

until next time.

thank

goodness derek didn't get the $1m on greys for his project because if i had to watch a whole season of him trying to cure alzheimers, i'd be forced to stop watching.

somehow i don't think this storyline is going away though. hmph. :(

Regular Blogging

to continue next week.

my trip was AMAZING and i love the great state of North Carolina. There is lots to tell.

but first, i have this little thing called a 25 page paper due on friday at 5. in fairness, it's a draft. but i still only have about 8 pages written and essentially have today and tomorrow to finish. i reaaaaaaaaaally don't wantto be doing this on friday at 459. whattup first amendment and custody disputes. it's absolutely an enthraaaaaaaaaaaaaaalling topic.

so i'll be back over the weekend!

currently

in Duck, North Carolina. Tiny town that is essentially considered part of Kitty Hawk.

The weather is gorgeous. I got a tan, swam in the atlantic ocean in october, saw dolphins, saw wild horses that live on the beach.

My friends are amazing, not that i didn't already know that. I'm actually here with two couples (my two girlfriends from lawschool and their husband/long term boyfriend. You would think it would be weird for me but it absolutely is not. they make sure to not let me feel singled out but also not like they are treating me specially. it really just feels like 5 friends hanging out, which it pretty much is, because i know bobby and mike really well and we've all hung out in big groups before. we've been taking turns making dinner and snacks and just have really been getting along great.

this place is absolutely beautiful, i love everything about it here and wish i didn't have to leave.

yesterday

yesterday was hard. harder than it should have been. mostly, i think, because the day started like any other day and i was totally unaware that it was her birthday, and then the guilt when i had to read and realize it on facebook just cut me hard.

sometimes the guilt and magnitude of the situation and everything that happened in the past 6 months bears down on me and becomes overwhelming all over again. i can ignore the fact that i don't go visit her but only until i'm reminded that i SHOULD go. this whole situation is just taking some adjustment time.

today, i'm much better. i'm realizing that i can only do what i can. the guilt is GOING to get to me sometimes. the sadness is GOING to get to me sometimes. the anger, the regret, the relief. all of it. but so long as i'm controlling it, i'm allowing it to come in rationed helpings, that's okay. i'll take my bad days along with the good.

Eighty Four

Today she is 84. She will have spent her birthday without any of us, it probably having gone unnoticed by the nursing home staff. I'd like to think they have some sort of celebration for her, but i doubt that. She didn't get any visits today, on her special day, as it's a Monday and everyone has work/school/commitments/newbabies to worry about.

i didn't even remember until my aunt posted a note about it on facebook.

i wish she hadn't.

i can't help but feel guilt over how i've neglected her since she's been moved there. from the time i was 11 years old and my grandfather died until she moved in June, i didn't go more than 3 or 4 days without seeing her. i spoke to her on the phone every.single.day. even on the bad days. i've visited her exactly 4 times since then.

i'd like to say it's because i'm busy. but that makes me sound selfish. i'd like to say it's because the place is a 35-4o minute drive and i can't just run there when i have a free half hour. but that makes me sound more selfish. i'd like to admit that i hate every single thing that has happened in the last six months. or even the last year. but that makes me sound immature, incapable of realizing this is a disease and this is what just happens.

i just don't like seeing her there. there, i've said it. even though she is so incredibly happy to see me, i hate it. long ago, before she was even at the home, i told myself and my family that i would stop visiting when she stopped recognizing me. i didn't want to remember her like that. the truth is i've stopped visiting now. i don't want to remember her like this either, even if she still remembers me. i visit sporadically out of a sense of obligation. and that is utterly disgusting to me.

in a lot of ways, it's like she's already dead to me. i've caught myself a few times, saying or thinking something to that extent. then i have to catch myself. she'snotdeadyet. again, it's despicable of me. i wish it weren't true but it is. i've already mourned her loss. her eventual passing will be more of a formality than anything else. i hate myself for even thinking it.

i've been compiling a folder on my computer over the past year of photos of my gram with our family. they happen to be mostly photos from important events--weddings, birthdays, baby births. happy days. i look at how beautiful she looked 4 or 5 years ago. how her eyes glazed over over the course of the photos.

my family will have a dinner and cake for her at the nursing home on sunday. i won't be here. i will already be away for break. bittersweet, missing a day with my family, possibly her last birthday. but allowing me to preserve the real birthdays -- the ones at my house or my aunts, with pizza and cake and presents and real memories.

Fresh Start...

I tried the 30 day challenge. I thought that having a concrete topic to write on everyday would make getting back into blogging more meaningful or easier. It really didn't. I didn't feel any connection to any of the topics. It was more writing for the sake of writing. so starting today, starting NOW, i am going back to JUST blogging. and i am setting the personal goal of 2-3 posts per week. and i'm just going to blog about life, because honestly, if anyone is reading this (which i was sweetly reminded today that some actually ARE reading, that's waht you want to read about, not my favorite color or childhood pet's name. so here goes nothing...

it has been a whirlwind few weeks. school started in full force. i am grateful and lucky to have had many interviews scheduled for post grad clerkship jobs. unfortunately, they monopolized most of my days off. right now i'm in the waiting game, and i am just praying that something pans out. there is a lot more i will write about school and jobs, probably in my next 1 or 2 posts.

we have also been waiting and waiting and waiting for Baby K to make an arrival. My SIL was due on Sept 9, which came and passed. Finally, on September 23, two full weeks late after an inducement and very emergency c-section. Liliana K made her grand debut. The birth was not what we would have hoped and both mom and baby had a bit of a rough time. Liliana spent her hospital days in the NICU, but has been at home for almost a week and is absolutely perfect. I can't explain how my heart swelled the first time i saw her, and how my eyes poured tears when i finally got to hold her in my arms. we are currently having an amazing time gazing, talking, and cuddling Lily as much as possible. I won't post a photo here (my brother is quite particular about privacy, etc) but there are some photos posted on my facebook page.

it's been apparent on this blog that i often struggle with body issues. i don't attempt to hide that. i've been going to the gym and watching my diet religiously since the end of august. I've lost about 10 pounds. more importantly, i began spinning class and zumba and absolutely love both. then i fell down the steps and my ankle swelled to a softball with an egg on it in 45 seconds. the day after my niece was born. and i spent the afternoon in the ER and left with an air cast, crutches, and "no extensive ankle usage" orders. i'm still down most of the 10 pounds and i actually kept loosing a pound or two. but i have to stay out of the gym for another 2 weeks ago, and i am terrified that i will gain all 10 back by then. overall, i feel much much better about myself and am so happy that i think i have made a permanent lifestyle change. and i never thought i'd say it --- but i cannot wait to get back to the gym.

AND

i am going on a real vacation in a week, for a week. my school finally is giving us a fall break week off. one of my best school friends has a house in north carolina and a bunch of us are going to her house for the week. yes, we all have schoolwork to bring with us, but i am so glad to have a week away in a beautiful place. i dont even really know where we are going other than "its the most northern part of the outer banks" as mandy has told me. unfortunately, i won't make it to wilmington, as it is like 5 more hours according to my map skills, and i won't have my own car there. but regardless, i am so excited for this trip.

until next time...