Thursday, 2/10, I had an interview for a job for next year. I didn't think much going into it, just another interview. But a friend had joked that maybe I would get the job as a birthday present. Before I got out of my car before the interview, I said a little prayer that it go well, and asked my gram to pull a few strings because I would really love to make this my last interview. But honestly, I don't really believe in that sort of thing, praying for jobs and to dead people for things i want. maybe i would feel differently if i prayed regularly. but regardless, i said the words outloud to myself. i don't even know what possessed me to do it. The interview went fantastic, and I absolutely loved the judge. I could see myself working with her forever, let alone just one year. I was so excited when I left but trying not to get my hopes up.
On the way home, i was driving and trying not to think about how much i wanted the job. A car came up behind me, practically on my ass. i sped up a bit to allow him to pass me, and as he he did, i saw that VICTORIA was written in car marker in huge letters across the back window of the car. I smiled a bit and took it as a sign that at the very least, i need to have faith that things are going to work out for me, in some way. A half minute later, i didn't like the song on my ipod, so i switched to the car radio, and playing was Katy Perry's firework. This song has been keeping me going lately. something about when she sings "maybe all the doors are closed so you open the one that leads to the perfect road" just gives me so much faith in life. and i cried. and cried. and cried. in a good way.
friday night, we had planned to have dinner for my birthday (saturday). when my sister in law walked in i knew immediately. she was carrying a bag that said "in memory of tessie kresiak." Following the funeral, my cousins and i had each ordered through the funeral home a piece of jewelry made from the rose petals from the flower arrangements. My cross had been delivered. on the day i was celebrating my 25th birthday with my family, myfirst without her. Dori even said she felt kind of badly. she didn't want to upset me with it but she knew i would appreciate the timing. and i did. even though i still miss her with every fiber of my being, i knew she was right there with me. and she was making herself known.
on sunday, i checked post secret, as i do every week. this week, a card about a person who doesn't delete voicemails from those she loves in case they die. following it was an email from a girl who saved her grandmother's last birthday message to her on her voicemail. The clip was attached. One of my biggest problems with coping is that the longer time passes, the less i can remember the little details like her voice. i know it wasn't MY grandmother on that clip on the website. but of all the weeks for it to get posted, i couldn't help but be a little moved by it.
some people might call these flukes. coincidences. bullshit. but i'm choosing to see it all as a sign. that she's well. that she's with me. and that she always will be. this birthday was hard. but she made it easy.
