The last few days...

have been kind of like a hurricane? or a tornado? I'm not really sure. they just kind of all swirl by, carrying on with normal life. 95% of the time i'm completely adjusted and leading my normal life. or at the very least, i'm going through the motions and putting on the happy face. doing all the things i'm supposed to. look for jobs, go to class, spend time with family and friends.

everything is going well in life i suppose. my niece is a beautiful, newly baptized, 11 pounder. Such a tiny pipsqueak. my pippy. she is pretty much the daily light in our lives. there's a bit of family drama going on. or drama that is going to go on soon. i honestly don't know very much. my cousin (who the more i think about it, is more like a sister) pulled me aside to tell me that it was going to get really bad between our parents and that it wouldn't and shouldn't affect us because we are adults and its not about us. which obviously makes me more nervous than if she had said nothing and i would have been blissfully unaware. but because she is like my sister, and looks out for me, and knows that the thing i hate most is finding out things last in the family and being treated like i don't matter, she had to give me the heads up and assure me that it wouldn't change us. a little bit of digging into my lexis account public records revealed some family info that i had no idea about and wish i hadnt found. especially because the little bit of information turned into 'if you give a mouse a cookie' type situation, and i wish i knew the whole story rather than the tidbits i could gather on my own.

but i'm doing okay like i said. i'm not here to throw a pity party for myself. but i have my bad days still. they are far between. or rather, i will be fine for a while. and then have a few days in a row where i am overcome with sadness. i go to class and suck it up when i am with my parents. but i cry to the slightest sad song or memory of her or things like that. my first few days of classes were like that. yesterday and today have been hard. between all of the snow (memories), and talking to my cousin, i've found myself in uncontrollable tears whenever i'm alone. there are of course other things as well. i'll be 25 in two weeks. exciting. sad, because i'm alone. i really wanted to be spending it with someone this year. i wanted to be closer to settling down when iwas 25 than i am, which is nowhere near settling down. i am graduating in a few months. so exciting. so happy. also disappointing, i don't have a job.

again, i'm not throwing a pity party. i lead a great life. i know that. i am incredibly lucky. but everyone has their problems, and these are mine.

i don't have the inspiration to write the way I used to...

Maybe part of me died when she did.

more people should be talking about..

THIS:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/15/nyregion/15cop.html

AND THIS:

"News 4 New York has also learned from sources that police now believe that the Bloods gang-- of which the alleged suspect in the murder of a Lakewood cop is believed to have belonged to--has ordered its members to attack law enforcement officers in more assassination attempts.

According to a source, leadership of the Bloods gang reacted to the dragnet that police initially put out to find Crockam following the Friday murder of officer Matlosz.

Authorities at the press conference would not confirm the gang angle and said it is still unknown whether Crockam knew his victim.

Police have been warned to be alert for other Bloods gang members attempting to retaliate for the manhunt by targeting lawmen for additional killings, sources told 4NewYork.

In response, the New Jersey State PBA issued a statement Sunday afternoon saying "We serve and protect the residents of New Jersey and there is no way that we will back down from that commitment. Don't threaten us, it only makes us more determined and committed to the communities we serve." via http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local-beat/Police-Officer-Shot-in-Lakewood-113631279.html

THAN all of the other crap that is considered "news." Don't get me wrong, i love football and the golden globes as much as the next person, but it's hard to understand why our nightly news for the NY area have failed to even MENTION this tonight on the news. i guess now that this scumbag has been caught, they can forget about it, and ignore the fact that officers like my brother, cousins, and many friends are out there EVERY SINGLE DAY dealing with these threats and people.