"somewhere out on the highway I'm sure she's fine"

part one.
*
part two...

it's like a flip switched on her 83rd birthday. she's worse. and even though we were prepared for this to happen, its not any easier.

it's so much harder than i ever could have expected.

i can't fathom that she really doesn't remember the shore house. at all. the house she lived in for months at a time with my grandfather. and i understand that it was a decade ago, but we still go there every weekend without fail june through august. but like magic, she called me over during the family reunion, in our shore backyard, and said 'this is a really beautiful house, where are we?" if it weren't for the 60 or so family members around i probably would have broken down on the spot. after comparing stories, it seems like she had similar conversations with my parents and brothers.

and its been the same conversation since then. she goes in cycles of remember it's her house but insisting that she rents it and she hasn't been there in 20 years, fighting with my dad to have him call realtors to set up renters for the summer. to outright denying that its ours. to acknowledging (or maybe pretending) that she remembers but i honestly don't even believe her anymore. i can see in her eye when you have the conversation that she's searching for some understanding but its like there is a giant gap where that memory is.

and it hurts. because its like, if she can, in a matter of a few weeks, completely forget a place that she spent so much time, a place that she had some of the best memories of her life, a place that is and always has been such a huge part of our family. gone. erased from her mind.

how long will it take for her to forget me? three weeks? a month? 2 months? six? overnight? am i going to show up to her house one day to bring dinner and she not recognize me? will she think i'm someone else? her sister? my aunt? my mom? a stranger? will it be slow? one day she can't remember my name and then eventually not recognize my face? i can't think about her without thinking about that. andicantthinkofanythingbuther.

it doesnt help that she won't eat anymore. every night the last two weeks, my dad makes her dinner and she refuses. more concerned with what she is going to save for tomorrow than what she is going to have today. she doesn't eat anything all day. half of the time my dad gets there at 330 and she is just getting out of bed. then she says she 'just got up and isn't hungry yet' and the other half of the times she says she's 'still full' from the nonexistent breakfast that she had. for the past week and a half, my dad comes home from there so upset that he doesn't even say anything when we ask how she's doing today or what she had for dinner. he just shakes his head. our nonverbal clue to drop it.

early saturday mornings have always been the time when my parents talk about all the things they didn't want us to hear. sometimes they'd talk about money, sometime they'd fight, sometimes they'd talk about christmas presents. once i was old enough to figure it out, i'd lay in bed for a while just listening.

saturday they were talking about her. 'getting help.' 'companion.' 'nurse.' 'live in' 'live out' i don't want to think of some stranger in her house with her. i know its what she needs and maybe it will even make her a bit better, but i just can't swallow it. then again, i don't think my father can either considering this idea has been thrown around before but he can just never go through with it. like i said, i know it's right. i know its better than her having to be in a nursing home or something.

i want to spend time with her. often. i dont mind the nights bringing dinner. or coffee. family dinner on sunday at our house. i want to make the most of it but the more i make of it the harder it gets.