so i've had the feeling throughout my last several posts that they each felt empty. fillers. nonsense of my everyday life which most of you probably really don't care all that much about. i blamed it on the fact that nothing big has been going on in my life. essentially, my life had no substantive content but i was itching to get back to some meaningful posts. finally, today, an issue caught me and i feel compelled to blog about.
about a week and a half ago, a relatively popular (roughly 40k followers) blogger tweeted this:
"I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."
the statement created an uproar in the blogosphere, accusing the woman of being inappropriate - putting miscarriage in context with her job, heartless - for feeling relief at such a life changing event, disgusting - for just plain being TMI, and outrageous - just for the gall and bluntness of such a personal and big information, etc. that day alone she lost 70 followers. She responded with this post. The issue has subsequently been covered by cnn, abc, aol, and many other media outlets.
and it got me thinking. why is this so different than each of us, sharing our inner most thoughts and events of our lives on our blogs. this summer i shared some of the most personal aspects of my own life and those close to me. my grandmother's illness. my feelings about it. my family troubles.
i wrote about my best friend's (unplanned) pregnancy.
i wrote about her miscarriage.
i wrote about her feeling relief. acknowledging that it was probably for the best.
where is the line? what separates penelope trunk's statements from my blog?
i'd like to think that the primary source of outrage about her statement was the bluntless and coldness of her revelation. like thankgodihadthismiscarriageinthemiddleofmyworkdaybecauseanapbortionisarealpainintheass.
so then we can presuppose that it was not what she said, but how she said it. but despite her poor choice of phrasing, in my opinion, i don't really see how she was all that wrong.
she made the choice to reveal that she was having a miscarriage. just as when i blogged about my friend's situation, it was an extremely conscious decision. i knew that the minute i revealed that she was pregnant, i would have to eventually explain her decisions. while she initially planned to keep the baby, abortion was never off the table. and had she made that choice, i would have blogged about it because it was an important part of my life at the time and i needed the outlet. and because i don't find the topics of pregnancy, planned or not, abortion, miscarriage, particularly inappropriate for the blog world. or for any world. these are aspects of life. all of these things happen on a daily basis. and to criticize someone for being open with her choices and decisions only puts women back in the box of traditional roles. don't talk about sexuality, menstruation, femininity. nothing of the sort. women have worked far too long and hard to break out of that box, to promote discussion about their sexuality, health, and bodies. in my opinion, it's important to foster and further those discussions. and to me, if this blogger's statement about having a miscarriage is going to get women, men and women, talking about miscarriage, birth control, and womens health, than that is a good thing. because miscarriage happens. everyday. as does abortion, and on the other side of the discussion, infertility. yet these are all issues that women speak about behind closed doors.
and i honestly don't believe that most people were offended by the fact that she told the twitter-world that at that moment she was having a miscarriage. the general contention seems to be with her satisfaction and seemingly matter of fact emotion towards it, combined with her desire to get an abortion had she not miscarried. but again, i can't accept that the public can so by and large disapprove of these types of emotions regarding abortion. i must agree with the author that most woman who did not want to become pregnant feel relief at the occurrence of a miscarriage. i've seen it with my own eyes. is it that penelope trunk's reaction was too happy. is she allowed to be relieved but not glad? or does she just have to hide the fact that she's glad about it. don't get me wrong, i am fully aware that there are many, many women out there that would do absolutely anything to have a baby because they physically can't. but does that mean that those who are having, or losing, unwanted babies have to hide it? because i'm not going to lie, but as i sat in our local emergency room with my best friend, we were laughing. smiling. joking. and not just in a 'lets pass the time and not think about it' kind of way, but legit statements (made via funny undertone) about not wanting them try to do anything to stop her from miscarrying (which they couldn't anyway). i specifically remember us looking around thinking the nurses probably thought the two of us were NUTS for sitting in an emergency room as if we were having a grande ole' party time when she was sitting there with her unborn baby dying. but that's the honest truth of it. yes, many women and their significant others would be inconsolable, devastated, and hysterical. but not everyone. and those heartbroken women don't lessen the emotions of those women who are relieved, and vice versa. it's personal. that's the point. and don't get me wrong, my friend broke down in the car on the way home. but miscarriage and those types of issues are complex, and carry complex feelings. so to declare someone callous and inappropriate for breaking down an aspect of her life in 14o characters seems a bit harsh, considering we really have no idea about the inner workings of how she felt about her life.
and so while i can't say i would use the same choice of words if i had been in penelope's shoes, i won't sit back and say how this woman is horribly wrong in expressing herself.
***edited to add*** i must point out that i believe many of the individuals criticizing the blogger have an opinion rooted in a personal disapproval of the blogger's life choices, specifically that she has already had 2 abortions in efforts to preserve her career. while i am completely pro-choice, i cannot say that i agree with her decisions, but it is her life nonetheless. ultimately though, i still can't support a negative judgment of this woman's tweet, feelings and expressions about her miscarriage based on a preconceived notion of her lifestyle. essentially, people don't like her choices so they criticize her statement, but i'm not sure they would criticize the same statement made by an unemployed, single 18 year old young woman. if you are going to criticize, criticize HER and her LIFESTYLE. don't make it an issue of what is 'inappropriate' or 'too personal' for the web.
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Interesting post - very measured and thought-out response. I had not actually heard of this story, but checked out the woman's blogspot post you linked.
ReplyDeleteMy gut reaction was kind of repulsion, I have to say - but you raise some interesting points, Vicki - some I might not have thought of otherwise.
Still, i'm of the opinion that if you're a career woman and don't want children, that's fine. If you end up pregnant and feel some relief about a miscarriage, that's understandable. But to reduce the whole experience to a twitter update is just in bad taste.