"When everyone's forgotten and you're left on your own. You're gonna cry, cry, cry"

that's what i did today. cry. a lot. rather inappropriately. also rather abruptly.

it began last night after my dad decided that he was going to have a hissy fit because both of my brothers still have some of their crap in their old bedroom. the bedroom we are supposed to be painting and moving me into along with buying some furniture, etc, somehow miraculously before i start school on the 24th. Seems easy but with us not here thursday to sunday, and me being gone for 5 days to chicago. it's a very short period of time. plus it will probably take a week just to paint the (two attached rooms). so he so very eloquently expressed to me that i was "not getting in that room this year because the assholes still left their shit here and i'm (him) is not busting my ass moving and cleaning their shit out."

so i cried. first i left the room. then i cried. then i re entered the room and said if i had to clean the room myself it would be empty and ready by tuesday. then i cried more. then i told my mom to tell them (brothers) that whatever shit is still here monday i am getting rid of. then i told my dad that the room WOULD be empty tuesday and that if he didn't want to help me i would paint and do the entire thing myself. but i WOULD do it. i cried again.

then i watched a baby story on TLC and cried some more.

i woke up this morning still annoyed by the whole situation. i got to work a few minutes early and was crying thinking about it. co-intern danie actually walked up to my car to wait for me as i was wiping my eyes. i felt like such an ass. luckily for me she was gracious enough not to say anything.

i came home and after asking my mom if she talked to the boys had an argument with her about it and cried some more.

the whole situation is kind of ridiculous. and i will freely admit that i am completely overreacting. there is no reason for me to be crying like a baby about this. yes i think i have a legit reason to be annoyed and upset, but my hormones are a bit off this week and i'm a total sap. my feelings are just that i have been promised this room for the past year. we have essentially been waiting around for my brother to leave. nobody ever once pushed him to get out sooner than he (his house really) was ready. but now its just ridiculous. he moved out a month ago and yet he still has clothes here. even that is not a huge deal. but he has junk here. and his opinion is "oh i don't want any of that." well if you don't want it. come here and take it out to trash or to the town dumpster. but now, because i know my brother, i am going to have to do it. same with the older bro. he has not lived here in two freaking years since he is married. he still has crap here. crap i am going to have to sort through and get rid of. and then when they find out i threw their beloved shit out, i am giong to be "the spoiled rotten selfish bitch." and it will all be my fault. essentially, i am finally doing something for myself, and i will get made into the villian. plus my dad "doesn't want to fight with everyone" and would rather TALK TO NOONE (i take that back. he talks to me and my mom but hasn't talked to either of the boys in months because "he is sick of only having arguments and not conversations") so he has chosen to just do nothing with the entire situation. so essentially the only way this room is going to get done is if i bust my ass and get the room empty, while causing a rift with my brothers i am positive will happen. it honestly makes me feel like a doormat. constantly walked all over. i am the only one that does anything for my family anymore. i gladly pick up extra slack helping my parents with my grandmother. going there to make her dinner and help her with her evening routine for the several times my parents went overnight in the spring and early summer. i ran a shit load of errands for my brother when he has been fixing his house. bringing him tools, lunch,meeting people for him. and lets not even mention the amount of stuff i did to help with my brothers wedding and helping THEM move into their house. i've done a lot for everyone. i have zero ability to say no when asked to help. but when i need a few of them to do a few very little things for me, i'm completely on my own.

luckily we seem to have sorted everything out. my mother has talked to the boys. they understand that we are serious and want to get stuff going, and she has said that wahtever is not out by sunday she will box up and take out. my dad also took me to buy paint, which is a huge step. i understand that this is not going to happen overnight. but paint ahs been purchased. my dad said as long as everything is empty we can start next week a little bit. so we are back to moving in the right direction.

lets see what else has made me cry today. last night my dad told us my cousin (and husband and sons) decided to come down the shore for the weekend and "into next week." don't get me wrong i am extremely happy to spend the time with them. i love tyler and ryan and it will be fun to go to the beach with them and stuff. i just found it so inconsiderate that they would call and announce that they were coming on a tuesday before the weekend, and not just for a weekend but for an extended period of time. (i later found out that they did ASK if they could come, but still, are we really going to say no?) i fully understand that this is my grandmothers house and they have a right to use it like we do. BUT. they don't do ANYTHING for that house or for my grandmother for that matter. they just enjoy the perks. my family does everything. they don't even visit my grandmother. you would think when you have a 2 year old and an infant and your 83 year old grandmother has ALZ and is loosing it, you would take advantage of the time and visit or call or something. make a few more memories before it's too late. but no they don't have the patience or desire or whatever. but when its warm outside and the waterfront house is available they feel it appropriate to accept their "open invitation." like i said i am glad they are coming, i just really think that they should called / asked more than just a few days ahead and not be so nervy to say you are staynig a week. so that completely added to my frustration and anger of last nights situation. i love my cousins dearly and they are really like sisters to me but i don't always agree with the things they do. but like i said that just made me a little more pissed off last night. and let me add that my cousin called me this afternoon to ask me if i minded taking their portable crib in my car down teh shore cuz they can't fit it. apparently their entire gigantic ford expedition will be full with the rest of their stuff (because god forbid their kids be without every single one of their toy trucks for a few days) that they won't have room for the crib. of course i said i would take it. i can't say no.

i also cried watching an extremely funny wedding / dance video. not in a 'funny haha' tears kind of way either. regular tears. no idea why. i guess cuz these people i dont know were getting married and their friends love them enough to dance ridiculously for them.

but like i said i'm all out of whack this week. plus i'm already stressing about school starting. i really really really do not want to go back. i really wish there was some kind of way i didn't have to. i mean yes i could just not go. but where does that leave me? i KNOW that's really where i want and should be. it's right for me. it just sucks a lot. and doing so terribly last semester gives me so much anxiety about going back to doing that all over again. what if i only get C's again? i can't accomplish the things i want to with C's. this semester needs to be a one time only kind of deal. i need to go back to As and Bs. i would be happy with just Bs. i also really dont want to go back to that life of having no life. spending my days in a classroom instead of out in the sun. not being able to see my kiddoes every week. plus there is fall interviewing for NEXT summer. with my grades and lack of moot court or mock trial or journal experience, i am barely eligible for anything and probably won't get interviews. i want to get a REALLY great job for next summer but i don't know how that is going to happen. plus i really dont want to have to explain to my friends from school why i am not getting interviews. i am fairly certain everyone thinks i do average or above average (Bs and low As) (which was true for the fall) and i don't want to be like "oh yea my grades sucked last semester and am not even in the top 75% so i'm not getting interviews or jobs." yea i don't know that i can keep my head up enough to face my peers and the fact that i am currently the bottom section of the class. it doesn't help that i hang out with the class over achievers. people getting straight As and numerous job offers and having babies AND being students. so i'm currently trying to mentally prepare and work myself back up to being READY to go back to classes. i know i can do it. i just need to let go of everything that happened with last semester and focus on what goes on this semester.

so the last 2 days have made me extremely moody and feeling like i want to go to sleep and not wake up for a month feeling the past 2 days... i finally felt slightly better tonight and my best friend tells me she might be pregnant. and not in a 'hmm maybe' but more in a 'yea i'm pretty sure but not positive' kind of way. which really doesn't have much to do with me. and i only found out about 2 hours ago. i was just kind of shocked. well not shocked but like "oh shit. damn. wow. congratulations?" i actually think that was the exact text i sent her back. luckily we have the friendship where i can say that and she thinks it is hysterical. she isn't that worried. she and her boyfriend (who is one of my best guy friends) are okay with it IF there is actually an it. her words to me when i asked her what they thought was "we are just kind of whatever right now, at least until we know." now i know that sounds terrible but she doesn't mean whatever in the sense that she doesn't care, she means it in the sense of "it is what it is" and if she IS, then fine, she is not a teenager and they will be in it together, and if she's not, then fine (and most likely, a hallelulah). this isn't what they wanted obviously, but if she is, they are okay with that. like i said it has very little to do with me (i am actually happy because i will have someone to spoil rotten and be "aunt" vicki) but the fact that i can tell NOBODY (he doesn't even know that i know) is kind of a heavy burden and of course i needed to "tell" my internet friends just to tell SOMEONE.

okay i think that's it. i apologize for making you read a novel. BUT some very very wise ladies told me to vent. so i did. and hey, nobody told you to keep reading! i know i've been a downer on a decent amount of posts lately, and i'm sorry for that. i'm attempting to keep it positive (the quilt was a fun post i thought!). From here on out as far as my life is concerned, i am going to enjoy every bit of summer that is left. only a week left of interning, then i get to go visit some of my amazing sisters in chicago which i haven't seen since graduation last year. it is going to be an amazing trip and i can't wait. plus i get to redecorate. so as long as i don't let life's bullshit get in the way, i could really have some great days ahead of me. i hope you'll stick around for the ride...