"mother, sister, father, sister, mother."

my brother moved out last weekend. i don't know how to feel about it.

i've known this was coming for a long time. he bought a house a few years ago but has been slowly fixing it up to live in it. it ended up taking so long because he essentially gutted the entire interior of the house to studs and rebuilt. the house came great and looks amazing, and i am truly happy for him.

but i kind of miss him. and i didn't expect that. i wake up each morning and glance into his room as force of habit, checking to see if he is home after working the night shift. but he's not. his bed neatly made and untouched for 6 days now, not the usual heap of sheets and blankets it usually is.

he walks through our side door and it takes me me the entire 10 minutes he is here to realize that he came to pick something up, not that he's home from running errands or doing whatever he does during the day. i stopped by his house today to borrow something, and as i was leaving casually said, see you later, as i usually would. then i realized. it's not see you later. it's see you tomorrow, maybe. and in this week's case, see you next week.

of course it's normal to miss him. i know that. even as silly as it seems, since he only moved across town. it's just a strange feeling to not have him here. especially strange because it's not like my brother and i were all that close. yes, we got along well. we never fought. we just never really got involved in each others lives. and yes, in the past year or so we were much closer than we had been. i think we reached a point where we are comfortable with each other. no longer baby sister-big brother. more of equals. what used to be each of us spending more time trying to preserve our privacy became us spending that time to actually know what was going on in each others lives.

i think i was particularly unprepared for how i feel now that he was gone because of how things were before he left. i've been LOOKING FORWARD to his moving. i'm getting a new bedroom out of this. and possibly a remodeled bathroom. i've been picking paint swatches and room decor for months. i've measured out his bedroom and drew up a floorplan to think about how i'd like my furniture in there. hell, i all out volunteered to help him pack and move his crap. plus, my brother has worked nights for years. he sleeps during the day and is in and out of the house at odd hours. he lives(d) here, usually ate dinner with us, etc, but for the most part, we didn't see him all that much because of his schedule. it wasn't unusual for me to not see him for a few days at a time because he would be either sleeping or working when i am home.

so for me to so prevenlently notice his absense in the last week hit me harder, and more suprisingly, than i had expected.

its just me and my parents now. i think that adds to this weird sensation i am going through. it's not just about C leaving, its about ME being the only one left. just the three of us for dinner. just the three of us in and out of the house each and every day. no more musical cars in the driveway. no more fighting over who gets the last (and therefore) cold shower. just me and them. i can't say i mind. because i dont. i am ridiculously happy spending time with my parents. i'm that girl who will go to the mall with her mom and dad on a friday night. i've always been that girl. but despite that, i just can't help but feel like something has been missing from our house. or in actuality, someone. i know we'll adapt. adjust. i know i had these same feelings when my brother J got married and therefore moved out almost two years ago. it took some getting used to, but we did. and i know we will again.