i fought with my dad today. bad.

he called me ingrateful. and childish. and selfish. and inconsiderate. and ingrateful. and ingrateful. and ingrateful.

i don't even really care that he called me names. that's his defense mechanism i think. it's where he goes when he's pissed at someone. i've heard him say it to my mother. my brothers. it's fine.

but what i can't get over is what to do now. do i swallow my pride. suck it up and go back to him with my tail between my legs and apologize in a few days. tell him that i'm sorry for being selfish and childish and for not being honest with him the past few days (which is the true and part of the basis for our fight). tell him that i do need to grow up. and that the reason i shut them out sometimes is because my #1 fear is disappointing him. tell him that i know he won't want to hear it but that i will apologize every day if i have to. PROBLEM: he ISN'T going to want to hear it. he will probably tell me to leave him alone and not talk to him. do i just keep trying?

do i tell him all of these things that i don't mean. yes, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have pushed the argument so far today. but do i feed him these lines that i don't really agree with. i DON'T think i'm ingrateful. i tell someone at least once a day how great i have it and how much i appreciate it. i think i'm spoiled, yes, but not ingrateful. i WANT to ask him exactly how ingrateful i was all the times i DROPPED what i was doing to run by my grandmother and either make sure she was okay because she had called hysterical and my parents were having an enjoyable weekend a hundred miles away. or ingrateful all of the times that i planned my thursday and friday nights around going to feed her dinner to make sure she ate. or maybe all the times i dropped what i was doing in my own bedroom, homework, personal work, etc, to run to the basement and get my dad one freaking nail from the garage or a return address label or stamp from his desk. i never gave a second thought to doing any of these things. i don't even resent any of it, or being a freaking gopher for my dad's every whim. it sounds like i do but i really don't. that's what kids do for their parents because parents ARE the parents. it just was a slap in the face to be told i'm ingrateful. and i can take the slap. that's fine. sometimes parents hit their kids (figuratively or literally) and sometimes it's warranted. i don't even care. i just can't figure out if i'm supposed to swallow all of this and act as if my dad is right when i really don't agree. to tell him through apologies and whatever else that he is right and i am wrong.

or do i just ignore the whole thing for a month until it blows over and he is ready to 'forget' about it. because that's his MO. he doesn't want to talk to anyone. he isn't going to want to hear my apologies. he wants to cut me out until he thinks he's 'punished' me enough. but what good is that doing. NONE. he says i'm ingrateful and unappreciative and a little snotnose kid just like my brothers and so the right thing to do is to show him that i'm not. to apologize if i don't mean it all the way. i'm pissed off, yes. i'd love to just ignore him for 2 weeks. id be able to keep my pride.

this doesnt even make any sense. i just have to figure out on my own.