"It's my life, and it's now or never."

i have enough material to write about 35 blog pages about what is going on in my life and my loved ones' lives since i've been home from chicago. but it would be 35 pages of negativity. and depression and angst and upset. and lets just face it, nobody wants to read that. as much as i have used this blog as a venting place and a place for me to say "outloud" the things i can't actually say to my friends and family, i feel like the debbie downer entries need a break. so i'm choosing to ignore that all of these other aspects of my life don't exist right now. partially because i don't want this blog to be all about my fears and complaints, and partially because if i blog about it, then i have to face the fact that they are actually true and happening right now and may just have to deal with it.

(to be brief and to assure anyone who cares that i am in fact okay: my friend A is now in a 4 month minimum rehab program after she relapsed with alcohol and prescription drugs, and topped it off with draino for a good measure suicide attempt, and my parents are not speaking a word to each other after a blowout involving them and my brothers while i was in chicago wherein my brother wants no part of us ever and gave back his house key.)

but instead i am focusing on the positive things going on right now. my bedroom is almost done. my bed, after some miscommunication with sleepys, will be here on monday, and we will be moving my furniture that day as well. we cleaned the rugs and theres just a few minor things to do. i am so excited to actually see my furniture in there. i haven't been able to find a desk that i like. we've checked a few stores but havn't had luck. there are ones that i could live with, but nothign i love. there is one more store we want to try. a desk really shouldn't require this much shopping, but i have some 'qualities ' i really want, like it to be very deep with at least 3 or 4 larger drawers, it seems to be a tall order to fill. my opinion is that i have a huge space to put the desk, big enough that my brother's twin bed used to be in that spot, that i think its silly to buy a small desk when i could fit a large one and i actually NEED the space to spread out and read / outline /study. doesn't sound too hard to find, but since we are trying not to spend a fortune but get a decent quality, i'mnot having much luck. hopefully i will find something at the last store.

i am also still reveling in the amazing time i had in chicago. the entire experience from flying to seeing everything chi-town has to offer, to just being with my girlfriends (plus andrew) again. acting like the silly selves that we were in college. quoting movies. remembering parties. catching up on the things we had lost in each others lives in the past year. soaking up enough memories to last us until the next time we will see each other. which very likely won't be until next summer. but mostly, remembering that the people i parted with last may, and the people i saw just a week ago, are one in the same. sure we've each grown and changed a bit. a new life does that to you, especially the post college life. but ultimately, we fell right back into place as if we had seen each other 3 days prior, not over a year ago. sam is still the smartest scatterbrain i know. the girl who went and bought 3 air mattresses and pillows so we would be comfy. but also the girl who doesn't plan and who is a terrible driver (shhhhhh!!!) karen is still karebear. the girl with the big hugs and who asks "how are you?" and her voice alone shows that she truly wants to know. but isn't the best at taking advice. andrew is still a playboy. always with a backup plan. but the guy who cares so damn much about all of us girls. one of the few guys i know who would spend 5 solid days with 5 women and not once complain or disappear on his own. then again, he did live with 4 of my sorority sisters in our unofficial 'house' for a year of college, so i guess he's used to it. if you couldn't tell, i desperately missed these folks, and really needed to get the quality time with them. and i did! i also got to see another of my friends from college, who was a few years older than me, and knew the rest of my friends, but not very well. So just karen and i went to meet up with her one of the nights and that was really awesome as well.

and lets not forget that i do have some amazing friends at home. shan, who is doing really well and was so happy for me to get away, and krys and renee, who are nothing but supportive in everything i do, and who've both volunteered to help me unpack my bedroom next week. and plus, renee is going to see Population 8 with me next week, so what could be better?!

so that's it. that's me, ignoring the bullshit going on in my life in favor of remembering all of the true blessings that i should count each and every night. and i do.